Satire: New Insights Emerge on Packers' Suspension of Romeo Doubs for Alleged Conduct Detrimental to Team

Doubs Asserts He Was Engaging in Space-Time Experiments Inspired by 'Starfield' Expansion

Green Bay, WI — In an unexpected development that has left Packers enthusiasts perplexed, Green Bay Packers wide receiver Romeo Doubs has been suspended for "conduct detrimental to the team" after missing practice sessions late last week. Although Head Coach Matt LaFleur and General Manager Brian Gutekunst have refrained from providing explicit details—possibly to keep the speculation alive regarding potential public relations maneuvering—Doubs has now offered his perspective on the incident. According to Doubs, the true reason behind his absence was his attempt to master space-time manipulation, inspired by the new 'Starfield: Shattered Space' downloadable content (DLC).

"Should've handled it differently," Doubs said curtly. "The DLC dropped, I had to try it. Who wouldn’t want to tear open space-time? It’s immersive."

Coach LaFleur, however, appeared less than amused, describing Doubs' absence as "personal"—a term which, in Packers parlance, can be interpreted as an elaborate obfuscation. Speculation from insiders suggests that Doubs' frustration might have originated from his role in the offensive scheme—although his twenty targets across four games would indicate otherwise. "How many wide receivers get to catch passes from Jordan Love and throw around gravity grenades?" Doubs shrugged. "Not bad, really."

The expansion for Bethesda's acclaimed space role-playing game 'Starfield,' released on September 30, was apparently the root cause of Doubs' practice-skipping, dimension-bending adventures. "'Shattered Space' is about uniting noble Houses, dealing with Vortex Horrors, stuff like that," Doubs said bluntly. "Kind of like facing Rams defenders. Both are a mess." He added, "Also thought dodging grenades might help my footwork."

Packers General Manager Gutekunst remains optimistic that this brief foray into intergalactic pursuits can be resolved amicably. "We are confident we can advance in a positive direction," he stated, while reportedly conducting a frantic online search for "grav drive technology explained." Doubs' apology to the organization, delivered on Monday, was reportedly well-received, and he is expected to resume practicing on Wednesday—assuming no new Starfield expansions are released in the interim.

For the present, both Doubs and the Packers appear to be proceeding with caution. "I need to communicate better," Doubs admitted, adding, "Next time, I'll tell LaFleur before I mess with space-time." He concluded, "Packers weren’t ready for 'Shattered Space.' But I’m back. Until the next DLC."